Taking a break and other hard choices

You’re in your senior year. There are certain expectations about what’s going to happen next. Some of your friends have already decided where to head next, but you, you’re just trying to take one day at a time, and it’s impossible to see anything clear ahead of you. You are doing your best yet you feel suffocated by self doubt and you’re constantly wondering why you’re not enjoying what you are studying anymore. In fact, the thought of starting a career is revolting and paralyzing. You have burned out. I lived it too, and as an international student that can be twice as overwhelming because you have to arrange so many things with immigration so you start to wonder if it’s worth all the trouble. After serious consideration I came to one tough conclusion: if I wanted to have a long and healthy career, first I had to take a break.

Burning to the ground

I think nobody is exempt from burning out. As an artist you’ll probably hear ‘wait, burned out? but your job is so exciting, it should feel like having vacations all the time!’...no, we’re  also prone to burning out. It’s  a very hard job, competitive, financially complicated, and nowadays with all the new technologies, you’re expected to master not only your craft, but also all the softwares and technical aspects. In fact, most of the times when you’re looking for an internship it’s more valuable that you have computer knowledge than music abilities.

I remember  we talked about this in one of my last directed studies classes. Our teacher mentioned that she had seen an alarming increase of burned out students recently. In that room, the majority of us looked done with everything. My first four semesters, I was taking a total of eight classes, one scholarship ensemble and participating in extracurricular activities. It was around my third semester when I started meeting a counselor because I had chronic anxiety and panic attacks. Even though they told me a million times “you have a lot on your plate!” I didn’t listen until my fifth semester. I decided to drastically reduce the number of credits and just stay on the minimum amount. It was not easy for me then to accept that I needed to slow down because you have a constant feeling of having to prove yourself. Berklee is extremely competitive and every minute you’re there you feel the pressure of having to get involved in everything. Hell, you’ll find people that are doing twice as much as you’re doing all the time. But soon I began to see how I was digging my own grave by not paying attention to all the signs my mind and body were giving me. This was the first time I ever became aware of the importance of my mental health.

Rising from the ashes

Cutting down the amount of credits was just the beginning. Then during my senior year I realized that if I wanted to have a long and healthy music career, I had to take a break after graduating. I went back to Mexico, and just when I thought my troubles were over, suddenly the anxiety became worse because I had to readjust my lifestyle and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with ‘my fancy Berklee degree’. I had a very tough year, but fortunately I found the right combination of psychiatric treatment and therapy, and with the help of my friends and family, I was able to start healing. And with a clear mind I was able to reconnect with the things I loved about making music. I was enjoying my career again! One of the most horrible symptoms of depression is not finding joy in the things you liked to do, and feeling that only filled me with self-doubt for years. I went back to writing songs and soon realized that I really wanted to do my indie artist project. I was ready to finish my sort-of-sabbatical year and focus on what I love doing.

We artists often get so immersed in our work that we forget to take care of ourselves. I have a couple of tips that may help you get by if you’re feeling that you’re burning out...but that’s something I’ll share on my next blog! If you have any tips that you would like me to share on my next entry, let me know in the comments below :)

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned, stay safe, and stay healthy!

Monica Lyrae
Composer, Songwriter, and a friend if you need one